NY Times Article; All About Music (Jokes)

NY TIMES ARTICLE
ARTS / MUSIC | May 28, 2006
Check the Numbers: Rumors of Classical Music's Demise Are Dead Wrong
By ALLAN KOZINN
For all the hand-wringing, there is immensely more classical music on offer now than there was in what nostalgists think of as the golden era of classics in America.
Click here for the full article:


ALL ABOUT MUSIC (JOKES)
The following definitions (?!) come from Sonny Ausman, recording engineer extradonairre for both of QUADRE's albums. Check out the listings under the letter 'G'. Enjoy.

ALLREGRETTO
When you're 16 measures into the piece and realize you took too fast a tempo

ANGUS DEI
To play with a divinely beefy tone

A PATELLA
Accompanied by knee-slapping

APPOLOGGIATURA
A composition that you regret playing

APPROXIMATURA
A series of notes not intended by the composer, yet played with an "I meant to do that" attitude

APPROXIMENTO
A musical entrance that is somewhere in the vicinity of the correct pitch

CACOUGHPHANY
A composition incorporating many people with chest colds

CORAL SYMPHONY
A large, multi-movement work from Beethoven's Caribbean Period

DILL PICCOLINI
An exceedingly small wind instrument that plays only sour notes

FERMANTRA
A note held over and over and over and over and . . .

FERMOOTA
A note of dubious value held for indefinite length

FIDDLER CRABS
Grumpy string players

FLUTE FLIES
Those tiny mosquitoes that bother musicians on outdoor gigs

FRUGALHORN
A sensible and inexpensive brass instrument

GAUL BLATTER
A French horn player

GREGORIAN CHAMP
The title bestowed upon the monk who can hold a note the longest

GROUND HOG
Someone who takes control of the repeated bassline and won't let anyone else play it

PLACEBO DOMINGO
A faux tenor

SCHMALZANDO
A sudden burst of music from the Guy Lombardo band

THE RIGHT OF STRINGS
Manifesto of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Violists

SPRITZICATO
An indication to string instruments to produce a bright and bubbly sound

TEMPO TANTRUM
What an elementary school orchestra is having when it's not following the conductor (also common in municipal bands and community orchestras)

TROUBLE CLEF
Any clef one can't read: e.g., alto clef for pianists

VESUVIOSO
An indication to build up to a fiery conclusion

VIBRATTO
Child prodigy son of the concertmaster

And here are the latest and most up-to-date definitions of traditional musical terms:

AN-DANTE
A tempo that's infernally slow

ANTIPHONAL
Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall

BAR LINE
What musicians form after the concert

BASSO CONTINUO
When musicians are still fishing long after the legal season has ended

BEN SOSTENUTO
First cousin of the second trombonist

CADENZA
Something that happens when you forget what the composer wrote

CANTABILE
To achieve a complaining sound, as if you have a sour stomach

COL LEGNO
An indication to cellists to hold on tight with their lower extremities

CON SORDINO
An indication to string players to bow in a slashing, rapier motion

ESPRESSIVO
Used to indicate permission to take a coffee break

L'ISTESSO TEMPO
An indication to play listlessly; e.g., as if you don't care

MAESTRO
A person who, standing in front of the orchestra and/or chorus, is able to follow them precisely

OPERA BUFF
A musical stage production performed by nudists

PASTORALE
The beverage to drink in the country when listening to Beethoven with a member of the clergy

PESANTE
An effect distinctly non-upper-class

PIZZICATO
Too much coffee -- time to take a break

RUBATO
A cross between a rhubarb and a tomato

STRINGENDO
An unpleasant effect produced by the violin section when it doesn't use vibrato

VIBRATO
A device to assist female performers who have trouble when the music is marked "con espressivo."